ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
