When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
