I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
