I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
