Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
