Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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