everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
