I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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