I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
