Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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