My friends, they love my intelligence
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
