sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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