My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
