I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
