Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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