Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
