Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
