you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
