dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
