Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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