She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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