I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I understand Curling. That high.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I will pee on everything he values.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
