I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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