just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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