you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
