Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize