I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
