im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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