Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
