I haven't been this sober since birth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
