Where is the hickey?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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