worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
