He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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