I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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