the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
