I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
