all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
