Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
