This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
