Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
