My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
