Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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