The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize