Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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