Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
