If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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