i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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