the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm like, not good at living.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
