I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
