yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
