You're earring is so big in my mouth
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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