Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
