Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
