I am spending my child support on dildos
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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