...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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