Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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