You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
