im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize