Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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