fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
