Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
