worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
