he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
