if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
