No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
