Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
