it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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